1/26 Transcript

Credit goes to TV MegaSite again.

Jake: Wow, look at you.

Taylor: Don't.

Jake: What?

Taylor: Stare.

Jake: I'm not, I'm not. I'm saying you're walking, you're talking, you're looking amazing. You're walking. Did I say the amazing thing? Congratulations.

Taylor: Well, I couldn't have done it without you.

Jake: Oh, yeah, inspiration.

Taylor: Pain in the ass.

Jake: Tomato.

Taylor: To-mah-to.

Jake: All right, I'd ask you to dance but you'd probably step all over my feet, and I wouldn't want you to embarrass yourself in front of all these people.

Taylor: Aw. Well, I -- I would, but actually I'm meeting brot.

Jake: Oh, really.

Taylor: I think I'm early.

Jake: Well, that's ok. You know, a beautiful woman shouldn't wait alone.

Taylor: No, I'm not, I'm not --

Jake: And lucky for you I happen to be available, very available.

[Taylor laughs]

Jake: [Irish accent] It's a little thick on this side of confusion. What do you say we -- we party on the other side?

[Normal voice] Come with me. After you, go, go, go. Sorry, very rude.

Taylor: Any one, any one?

Jake: This is good. This is great. Ok, now.

Taylor: Ooh.

Jake: Finger in the glass. All right, so you are laughing, you're smiling, you're wearing a dress. That's -- that's good. What's the -- something special?

Taylor: Um, Brot got a job.

Jake: Brot got a job. Great.

Taylor: Actually it was almost a catastrophe. You know that thing that we do, people like us, where we think we know best and actually we don't?

Jake: Yes.

Taylor: I did that. I figured, you know, hey, Brot needs a job. I will get him a job. Never mind the fact that he didn't want that job. Never mind the fact that he thinks I overstepped any acceptable boundaries. Never mind the fact that he was really, really mad.

Jake: Oh, not that he's -- he's not mad anymore, then?

Taylor: He's not mad. He's not mad. We ran into each other at the hospital, and it's a long story. But anyway, he's an orderly.

Jake: Oh, that's -- that's -- that's good because if you're an orderly and you're Brot, you know, you're helping people out.

Taylor: Mm-hmm.

Jake: You know, it's probably a little better than working in a casino, anyway.

Taylor: I didn't say anything about casino. You knew I tried to get him that job?

Jake: Uh, yeah, because we had run into each other and it might have -- it might have come up.

Taylor: Ohh, that's so funny because he apologized to me, too. Did you know about that?

Jake: I -- I might have said something about rethinking his anger. I might have mentioned, you know, realizing you're the luckiest guy in the world. I might have said something about worshipping the ground she walks on.

Taylor: You didn't.

Jake: Emphasis on the worship. Well, yeah, I did. So -- what?

Taylor: You -- you are incorrigible.

Jake: Incorrigible, that's an awful big word. That's like an S.A.T. Word.

Taylor: It's like 40 points in scrabble.

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Jake: Are you upset with me that I tried to talk some sense into your man?

Taylor: No, because whatever you said, it obviously worked.

Jake: That's it. I got it. My new job, I'm going to be a self-help talk show host.

Taylor: Oh, my gosh.

Jake: Yes.

Taylor: No, Jake, I don't think the world is ready for dr. Jake. You're hit and miss.

Jake: I'll tell women that they've got to man up. Stop talking so much about your feelings. It's too many words. And I'll tell men they've got to get in touch with their feminine side. Every man's got to wear a thong. Yes, that works for me. And look at this. You're laughing and you're smiling and you're walking. It's a big day for you.

Taylor: Well, it would be even better if we ended it watching telenovelas and eating popcorn.

Jake: Ah, "todos los ninos." Tell Brot about that one.

Taylor: Oh, I -- I don't know if Brot and I are ready for popcorn.

Jake: Yeah, you're right, you're right. Popcorn is very emotional. It takes time.

Taylor: It does. It takes time to be close to the one that you love, not to flinch every time she goes in for a hug.

Jake: Mm-hmm.

Taylor: You wouldn't understand the strategic manipulation required just to get a little peck on the check from this guy. He definitely needs to relax and I'm doing it again.

Jake: No, no, no, no, no.

Taylor: I'm telling you all the things that you don't want to hear.

Jake: No, I think that you and Brot are going to be just fine.

Taylor: How about you, Jake?

Jake: Me? I think that when we first got together, I knew that you loved a guy named Brot. And I was prepared to handle that. But brot alive, that was -- that was just a whole different world.

Taylor: I would understand if -- I would understand if you were sorry that you had ever met me.

Jake: No, I -- I don't -- i don't regret anything. Just maybe never knowing what could have been.

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Jake: Hey, I'm not lonely. I've got -- [Barcelona accent] Esmeralda, Renaldo, all my "todos los ninos" friends from Barcelona.

Taylor: I think -- I think you are an amazing man.

Jake: Well, my mother says the same thing.

[Taylor laughs]

Jake: I should -- I should go because your date's going to be here at any second.

Taylor: Jake. I'm so glad that -- that we could be friends.

Jake: Well, don't do anything i wouldn't do. No, wait, scratch that because i would do just about anything. So --

Jake: Hey, congratulations. I think that's in order for the new orderly.

Brot: Thank you. Appreciate that. Listen, what you said before about Taylor? I really needed to hear that.

Jake: Well, don't keep her waiting.